I remember being a 17 year-old young man, testing the waters with potential women I could date, trying to find someone who would make me feel better about my life.
I also remember being in a healthy relationship, and how much it revealed about my dysfunctional social behaviors.
now 29 I can honestly say, I don't seek anyone. I am content with myself and have come to grips with the fact: I would rather be alone than in something emotionally draining or dealing with someone else's insecurities.
This was no easy task. Obtaining this point of view took going through a lot of reflection and soul searching over the last five years.
I, like most people, was only searching for something to fill the void in my life, instead of understanding the void and repairing it.
You have seen it.
A woman who lives and dies by the bar. She loves her life when she is out with her friends but hates being home alone, so she scours the bars every weekend (sometimes during the week day) and finally finds a man to lean on. Unfortunately people can be like leeches, searching for someone they can live off of; emotionally, physically, financially or whatever be the dilemma.
So we see this with our friends and family members way too much. They search for someone, anyone, they can exercise their relationship behaviors with and often end up with someone who beats the, or abuses them in other ways, stealing the joy from their life. Unfortunately it happens to them over and over, leaving them asking.. Why Me?
The fact of the matter is, you can only attract what you are giving out. If you constantly look outward to find happiness, you will only find super-fiscal short term happiness.
I understand now that the only way to find that person who balances you out, is to be comfortable with yourself, and also honest with yourself.
I laugh when I think about the women who say, "I want a tall, handsome, rich, funny guy with a good job, family and a nice car." She has instantly set herself up to lose. Yes it is good to have standards, but this guy number one is not real, it ignores all the other aspects that a woman needs to have; compassion, patience, integrity, honesty and so forth. so typically she will find someone who meets most of these requirements, but lacking several areas she didn't think about necessary in a husband, eventually resulting in a divorce or a dysfunctional relationship.
Search yourself, understand your strengths and weaknesses. Know you value and be realistic with yourself. Shoot for something that will make you happy not overshooting for something that is bound to fail.
I have had the pleasure to be with lots of smart women, who made me examine my own behaviors more. although they didn't last, I understand better now that anything worth lasting is not easy, and takes patience and commitment.
As men we need to stop trying to be the dominant party in a relationship and share a 50/50 stances in all aspects, be it holding a conversation, choosing dinner, finances, making decisions or putting blame on each other. We need each other to help balance out the places we are weak.
Search for an equal instead of a crutch to support yourself, in order to do that, you must first clean up yourself to find that person.
my 2 cents
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